There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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