come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
