I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
My balls are so social today.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
