checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize