Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Randomize
