woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
