I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
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