there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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