Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
