If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
