wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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