they said they heard you say put it in my butt
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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