I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
