I cockslap morals
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
