Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize