I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
