Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Randomize
