is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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