Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
