shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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