Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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