clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize