I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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