My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
so let's talk penis.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Randomize
