i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
