They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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