Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Randomize
