i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Just invented taco cereal.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize