somebody snuck up and got me drunk
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
