I haven't been this sober since birth.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Drunk is not a location!
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
