So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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