i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
