My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
