i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize
