dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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