i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
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