matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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