why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize