4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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