So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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