after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Randomize