I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
