if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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