R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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