there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Randomize
