If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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