Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
May the power of my ass compel you!!
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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