I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Text me some of your sweat
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
