She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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