So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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