A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
