her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhhâ€
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