My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
