so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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