meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
