My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
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