Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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