I seem to have left my pride at pride
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
