She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
