remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
