Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
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