i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I just sucked dick on a ferry
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
