No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
