So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
